Relieved and Overwhelmed

In our MOPS group this spring there was an essay contest. We were to write about adventures in mothering. I submitted an entry knowing that I had really crammed too much into one page of typed print. Really, as a mom, what do you choose to write about? How many adventures can occur in the course of a day? Especially during an especially trying time.

I have had a couple of weeks like that. We have known for so long now that there are differences in Zachary's development as we compare to the other three who have come before him. He has truly needed an advocate on our journey to find out how to best help him. He was recently diagnosed with PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder) at the university. I was actually relieved because for almost 2 years we have been trying to get some answers about how to help him. You really can't do anything til you know what you are dealing with.

There are times for a few weeks we go along and wonder what our big concern is, he seems like a normal kid. Then there are the other times. Times like we had this past week. I don't think I can really explain it to anyone who hasn't experienced it themselves. David and I describe it by saying he just isn't "with us". His eyes are staring off to somewhere else even though he is looking straight at us or there are other times he is fixated on a certain part of his routine that he insists on doing over and over again. There is so much that seems normal but so much that is uncharted territory for us.

It was this week in the middle of one of those hard moments, when I realized the reality of this. Yes, I know that PDD is on the autism spectrum, but yet this week it hit me. My child has autism. He has made great progress, we are changing his diet, we are doing everything we know to do for him at this time. But yet, for some reason, it has taken some time for this to really sink in. The reality that when Zach has bad days, they are BAD days!

He has a very postive prognosis and for that I am thankful. It will be VERY hard to send him off to preschool at the age of three next fall - on a school bus! With what he should be able to accomplish there in the next couple years in the way of learning social and communication skills he should be prepared to move right into a normal kindergarten classroom. I pray that it will do all of that for him and more...I mean, I am giving the reigns to someone else WAY earlier than I would EVER choose. It is hard to be a mom and realize there are things that you just can't help your child with at this stage of his life. Especially a "control freak" mom!

I know that our story pales in comparison with most who deal with autistic children. Zach is highly functional. I am thankful that he snuggles and giggles and interacts a lot of the time. I just experienced the other day the very satisfying experience of watching and listening to all four of my children playing happily together in the backyard. The fear that I try to pray through when a chain of bad days hits is "could he be regressing?" Some forms of autism are regressive in nature and I can't say that I don't gauge behavior day by day at times. I am not different from any other parent who would say that sometimes this big job of raising children is a bit overwhelming. The older I get the more I begin to understand that this is the way it is supposed to be. I am not in control, and that is okay!