Of all the outcomes that could result from our final attempt at invitro, we never expected this one. Our last two frozen embryos were still at the University of Iowa. There were times I had a funny feeling about having children out there in the hands of others (as capable as they may be in the science of embryology and reproduction). They don't see them as children, and I was ready to rescue our last two. I was also a little overwhelmed at the possiblity of having to find more sleeping places for the "rest" of the family who may be coming along since we are already bursting at the seems. But, by the time the day came to go in and transfer the embryos I was excited and ready to welcome whatever God had in mind for the Sloan family. Or so I thought. I remember laying in bed after the procedure thinking that we are all together again, no one is stuck frozen in a lab somewhere. Two weeks later we found out we were expecting one little one and the dreaming began. The kids were told about "Tiny" and we moved on into the days and weeks of morning sickness and David doing a lot of the cooking especially when it involved raw meat. We settled into the routine of progesterone shots every evening as is always he routine with our invitro protocol for the first trimester. We hit the 10 week mark and breathed a sigh of relief as most pregnant moms do. Two weeks later at the first "official" OB appointment I was in the doctors office alone (this was baby 5 after all and David had already taken quite a few days off for the trips to the University). I told him that I was fine to go alone. As it turned out I was not fine this time. No heartbeat was found on the dopler and the doctor ordered and ultrasound assuring me that this happens often in the office and she was sure that everything would be all right. The truth is, this ultrasound confirmed that this little soul, the adorable little blob who was working so hard on growing arms and legs the last time we had checked in on her five weeks earlier would not be entering the world on May 14th as we so excitedly anticipated. (I would have had a planned c-section) I don't know what was worse initially, the shock of loosing my baby or the total apathy from the staff at that doctors' office, but I managed to make it out to the car without becoming a total mess.
That day the journey through grief began and I was amazed at how familiar it seemed. The depression that slowly makes its way in as I try to talk myself into believing that "it isn't so bad, I have so many other things to be thankful for". And I do, there is NO doubt about it. I know because God has proven Himself over and over in my life. The reason that it all seemed so familiar is because I started this journey to motherhood in the same place I found myself now, grieving. For 8 years, once a month I knew I had lost something, although it was just a dream at that time, it was my reality. I was wanting a child, hoping, praying and then, nothing. That is what it meant to be infertile. That is what defined me for so long until the day the doctor called and told me the results of that blood test that FINALLY after almost 10 years of marriage, we had a tangible reason to rejoice in the idea of becoming parents. Maybe that is why this miscarriage has been so hard, why some days I still border on dysfunctional. For 12 weeks I placed a lot of hope in the dream of this child. And now, now that I have experienced God's fingerprints all over my life (and my windows and mirrors), I KNOW what an awesome job the Creator does with David and my DNA. I know the awesomeness that is the children we share in this life. I think it makes me miss our little Amy even more, because I know that she would have been another reason to rejoice in my every day. I say that with the full knowledge that something "could have been wrong with her" as so many like to say as words of "comfort" to a grieving mom. It goes more like this "well at least God saved you from having to deal with a disability, there could have been something wrong with the baby". Be that as it may, it wasn't much comfort.
I know my God, I accept what He takes as His. They are all His anyway. How can I be bitter? Our infertility journey has had a very positive outcome for us, we have four beautiful children to love on this earth. God told us WAIT, there are others to whom He tells NO, not here. Some of those people are dear friends and I feel that grief still for them. But, I can't be bitter. Now, added to my treasure on earth, I have begun storing up my "treasures in heaven". As I have grieved through this I have realized through God's Word that ALL of our embryos are God's handiwork in their own right. I had somehow shadowed THEIR significance in the light of the five I have had the privilege to give birth to. So, not only do we have a little Amy in our treasure trove in heaven but three others that didn't grow once they were returned to my body. Some may question the means by which God works, some may say I shouldn't have any children because it wasn't God's decision when we didn't become pregnant without doctor intervention. I truly beg to differ and at times feel bad for people who just get to "have babies" without truly realizing what a HUGE miracle it is that any of us are here in the first place. God ordains our years, or in Amy's case, our months and days. Do I cry? Yes, this was it. This was the last round for us. I was in love with that little one, I knew she was there, she made me sick with nausea, she made me dream of all the moments we would all get to share together, she made my waistline extend beyond the circumference of my current jean size, and our hearts beat together if only for a short time. I labored three days to finally deliver her in the emergency room even though she had already gone to be with Jesus. (despite the fact that the doctor said it would be "like menstral cramps").
Nothing will change where I am today and nothing will take away those moments in the rest of my life when she will come to mind. Years down the road when her two cousins graduate from high school I will know that there would have been one more this year, my last one. Is Amy the last? Only God knows, I have thought that it would be so like God to bless us with the ability to experience a "surprise". I am not going to bank on that though, I enjoy my marriage without having to take temperatures, worrying about cycles and timing along with all those things that made the beginning of this journey so discouraging. I will say though, if I knew there could be a fifth child here on earth for us I would sign up. Would I trade this experince? No, it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. Never ignore a chance to allow your heart to expand. Mine has. Enough to love my husband with new devotion, enough to hold on to each embrace just a little longer before moving on to the next daily activity, and enough to know that because He loves us, I will see the fulfillment of these dreams I dream on this earth. For "to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly ABOVE all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory...forever and ever. Amen."
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